You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
