Dude my mom stole all your condoms
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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