her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
