We're like a lot better than the average bears
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
