At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
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Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
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You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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