I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
