i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
