I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
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Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize