so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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