What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I need a beard to bite.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
