i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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