i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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