I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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