Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
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The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
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At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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