When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
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she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
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Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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