Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
