Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
operation harelip BJ is a go
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
