if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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