you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
