chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
