you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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