She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize