I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
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Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
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drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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