he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
