found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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