Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We have started to decorate penises.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
