did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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