Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
