Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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