this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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