I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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