I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
