So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
