u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He felt like a one man threesome
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
