I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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