I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
