when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
