Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
40s are totally the cure
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
