My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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