dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So many bounce houses so little time
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
