You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
