Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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