I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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