I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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