don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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