Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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