Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
