Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
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