he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
