wat bout pragnant strippers??
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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