I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Randomize
