I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
