I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I just googled if crying burns calories
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
