Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
